I just got done with another art session. I've been tirelessly slaving away at one piece for the last two weeks, nights and weekends. At current, I have three jobs: Cashier at a small market, house cleaner, and I am a paper artist.
For the first time, I've been diligent about recording the time I spend on one piece. Phase one has just been completed -laying down the structure. On a piece of foam board measuring 20 x 28 inches, flowers formed from paper have been attached. The entire space covered goes beyond that measurement, something roughly 2 x 3 feet. A garden for the wall that couldn't possibly exist in nature but has an approach that hints at nature's inspiration. It has taken me 45 hours in the last two weeks to sculpt this one piece. It will take at least another ten hours of painting to complete and a few additional hours of detail work before I allow it to be finished.
Today, I thought about the conceptual element behind this flower madness. I'd done an installation for CMKY2011 and spent a month laying down paper flowers on cardboard for an installation. That had a simple aesthetic purpose, to make a room feel like white spring, to help a friend execute a magical night -and magical indeed it was. But why am I continuing to sculpt flowers? Money for one. I've had so many people interested in the work I did that I've figured, why not? If I take a little extra time to make pieces that are solid, more detailed, executed with more precision sculptures that are at the apex of my craft skill; maybe I could make enough money to travel, to pay off some bills....to, I don't know, start a goddamn career in the arts?
It's all I want to do frankly. I just want to create things of aesthetic interest. But again, does what I am doing right now have any conceptual meaning? No. Not really. It's pretty. In fact, I just did some little paint touches to see how it could look when I am done. It's looking to become my prettiest work yet. It might even be hard to give away, which I think is an accomplishment in and of itself. I don't think I'm going to be able to come up with some fantastical artist statement giving these particular pieces any big artsy value however. I can speak to what it's beginning to do for me personally and I suppose that will have to suffice for meaning.
Times have been rough. Arguably, that has always been the case and it's a perception issue. I have a lot of hurt in my heart, in my soul, manifesting itself in my body. There's a grave disconnect in me and I have to find it, put the pieces where they need to be. It's as though every sheet of paper I grab has this massive potential and I just have to figure out how to help it along. I can then connect things and slowly, but surely, a garden begins to emerge. I am creating my own garden and it's a meditation on the self at the same time. Somehow it feels as though I can diver deeper inward while I am creating externally.
This is really all I want to do. Just this. Create and communicate through our capacity to see, to look, to use our eyes -a gift I have never taken lightly, one that I cherish deeply. And maybe the next step is simple, that my work helps me progress in numerous ways and also makes someone else happy. I'm, right now, staring at a piece that is going to be my best work in a week's time. Eventually, someone will have that work on their wall and maybe sometimes they'll smile when they see it.
It sounds simple when I say it out loud, but at times simplicity feels the best.
